A Satirical Proposal on Foreign Policy
A Proposal For Foreign Policy And Relations between People and Nations For Building Tolerance, Acceptance, Peace, Harmony, Mutual Respect, Mutual Understanding, And Love among Different Nations And People
[Another Satirical Piece inspired by the Essay: “A Modest Proposal”, by Jonathan Swift in 1729]by Howard Jacobs
This proposal has been created and authorized by our organization, the Bastion of Urban Renewal and Progress (BURP). This is a community organization which has its home office on the upper west side of Manhattan and is dedicated to the betterment of humanity, the cleanliness of the earth and the causes of equality within and between all nations.
Recently in New York, a manual was created to advise heroin users how to properly use needles. We here at our organization (BURP) applaud this progressive idea. Too many of our rules and laws are based on conflict. Instead of trying to force people to abide by laws, we need to make it so that it is in the best interest of individuals to do what is also in society’s best interest. If we can’t get people to comply with society’s needs, then in order to reduce costs and minimize the damage, we need to find a way to allow their destructive behavior while minimizing the damage and cost to the rest of us.
It is in this vein that we take on the issue of foreign policy and the issue of terrorism, in particular. First off, we are grateful to President Obama for not using the word terrorism, which heretofore will be referred to as the T-word. However, when people in the media refer to people who commit acts of “T-word”, they often use the term “militants”. This too, is unacceptable as it sheds a cloud over an entire person’s outlook and personality. When referring to people who commit such acts, we propose the term “Misunderstood soldiers without uniforms”.
We need to look at the motivations of why people would engage in T-Word. Some people commit these acts thinking that there is a higher power that will reward them in the afterlife. Also, we need to look at our own behavior and how it is perceived by others. Many people who commit these acts believe that if they give their life to their cause, they will be rewarded with 72 virgins.
We are creating something called “The 72 Virgins In Life Project”. People will not have to give their lives for 72 virgins. Professional sex workers will be recruited. Some may call this bribery and we can’t deny that there is a certain amount of bribery in this plan. However, we feel that if bribery is good enough for our congress and senate as their standard operating procedure, surely it is also good enough to use on a plan designed to save lives and to combat acts of violence.
The “72 Virgins In Life Project” will provide clean, meaningful lives to women of the evening. These women will be provided with medical care, clean living quarters, and an education. If they have drug habits, clean needles will, of course, be provided and their heroin will be sold to them at cost. The women will be expected to tend to all of the needs of the misunderstood soldiers without unforms.
In no way will they be expected or asked to try to gain information from the misunderstood soldiers without uniforms as this would defeat the purpose of the project.
The misunderstood soldiers without uniforms must know and believe that this service is being provided to them out of respect and friendship, not out of fear or to gain intelligence.
If there are women who are actual virgins that wish to participate, their services will be at a premium as they will fetch the most interest. These actual virgins will be given the moniker of “Grade-A Virgins”. Once their services are used, their moniker will change to “Pre-Owned” and those women of the evening who are providing the service will be known as “Grade-B”. All of the women providing the service however, will be referred to simply as “The Virgins”. The group of 72 will be a wonderful eclectic mix of all three grades that will make any misunderstood soldier without uniform change his ways.
Now we realize that there will be criticism of this solution as it certainly is an unorthodoxed way of solving a problem. We must look at the benefits before jumping to conclusions. In the street, women of the Evening are taken advantage of, are subject to disease, violence and drugs. In the environment that they live in, the life expectancy is short and the life lived is sad. They will be cleaned up, provided with care and in turn, they will provide a service to the country of incalculable value.
There are those who will say that by rewarding people who commit acts of T-Word we would create the motivation for more people to become misunderstood soldiers without uniforms. We here at our organization (BURP) could not disagree more.
What creates misunderstood soldiers without uniforms is putting them in a place such as Guantanamo Bay or using methods such as water boarding to gain information. Profiling at airports, listening in on their conversations, or watching bank accounts from certain countries or nationalities is what creates the motivation for people to become a misunderstood soldier without a uniform. By providing in life, what they hope to gain in death, we take away their motivation, not add to it. Also, they are surely to notice how nice we are being and after all is said and done, are likely to say something such as “You know, these people are all right with us!”
We would, of course, like it if the misunderstood soldier without uniform community were a bit more diverse. We toyed with the idea of recruiting 72 male virgins for our gay and female soldier without uniform friends but there just isn’t the demand for that at this point. We will, however, keep that one on the backburner and hope that at some point in the future, we can implement that part of the plan as well.
Now for the issue of profiling — we feel it is provocative and quite frankly, defeatist, to single out people at airports or other checkpoints because of nationality or country of origin. This kind of treatment creates anger and again, causes more, not less, people to become misunderstood soldiers without uniforms. We’ve heard the arguments “Why single out granny? What are the chances that she is carrying a weapon?” That is a simple minded argument and completely misses the point. By focusing on one nationality as being closely linked to the misunderstood soldier without uniform community, we have created anger in that community. What we should be doing is profiling everyone EXCEPT people from those countries that are linked to T-Word. By doing this, we would be saying that we are a fair country and that we trust people from the countries linked to T-Word. This trust would surely be repaid in kind by a spirit of love and friendship. The misunderstood soldier without a uniform who gets on a plane and is about to commit an act of T-Word would break down in tears and be unable to complete the mission due to the kind treatment that he has been afforded.
We applaud our friends in Saudi Arabia for giving drawing lessons to people linked to T-Word. We need to take that idea and run with it. Our proposal is to create a major university in the US for misunderstood soldiers without uniforms. For short, we will call it MUSWU University.
These misunderstood soldiers without uniforms will be given liberal arts classes where they will read and study a diverse selection of literature such as Tolstoy, Shakespeare, Toni Morrison, Hemmingway, Steinbeck and much more. There will be courses and detailed discussions of topics such as “The Koran and Lesbianism – Are they mutually exclusive?” We feel that this university will be a great cultural exchange and will result in many people choosing a different career path than the one that leads them to becoming misunderstood soldiers without uniforms.
There are many other progressive ways that we can combat T-Word and we will comment on them in subsequent proposals.
We have to compliment our President Barack Obama for beginning this necessary path toward understanding, rather than conflict. His proposed closing of Guantanamo Bay, his banning of harsh interrogation methods and his bringing misunderstood soldiers without uniforms to face trial in civilian courts in the US are all good ideas but they are only the beginning of the things we need to do to permanently end the threat of T-word.
—————————————————-
Howard Jacobs is an executive of MBA Marketing Pace University.
