Apple-Eating: A Civil Right Part 2

A Satirical Expose of the Thickheaded Arguments

Employed by Advocates of Universal Healthcare

Because apple-eating is a civil/human RIGHT, we empathetic Democrats intend to pass a new law REQUIRING everyone to purchase Granny Smith Apples (nature’s health insurance)! But remember, with right and privilege come responsibility. Therefore, after our next bill becomes law, if you DO NOT buy an apple every day, and you get caught without one, you will be punished in a court of law.

Keep your eyes on my pocket-watch as it swings baaaaaack and foooooorth. Very good! Now follow our logic carefully:

If something is your unalienable RIGHT (like apple-eating, healthcare, etc.), you should be FORCED by the government to participate in it, because it’s YOUR right.

I see that you are carefully watching the pretty pocket-watch. I will now clap my hands together three times, and then you will understand with clarity. [CLAP, CLAP, CLAP] Ahhhhh, you understand now, and believe our logic is sound, DON’T you. Goooood, I just knew you would. It is a cosmic gift to become one within the environmental serenity of the apple-tree!

Here’s how it’s going to work: because American citizens can’t be trusted to purchase extra apples and share them with those in need, on their own, we, the COLLECTIVE (who do things far more efficiently than individual citizens), will take the extra apples by force (via the IRS) and mail them where we, the COLLECTIVE, decide the apples are most needed.

You see, as explained earlier, according to the Declaration, it is YOUR civil/human RIGHT to eat a Granny Smith apple…everyday. Some people can’t afford one, so naturally, everyone who CAN afford to buy their own apple everyday will soon be forced (by our newly proposed bill that’s more than 2000 pages long) to buy extra apples for all those who can’t.

(Stay with me now! Focus on my swinging pocket-watch. You’re doing just fine. Good, let’s continue our chat.) Enough of this talk about the alleged “difference between protecting individual rights vs. forcing individuals to employ them!” Progressive thinkers understand THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE between PROTECTING someone’s right to eat an apple and FORCING someone to enjoy eating one! Both approaches to apple-eating insure the same thing…HEALTH! So the conclusion is obvious: obstructionist conservatives don’t want YOU to be healthy. That makes them very BAD people!

Now, transparency has been a hallmark of our current Democrat administration. So, in the interest of transparency, we openly acknowledge that there has been a disproportionate amount of apples sent to those in need that have, on occasion, gone spoiled before making it to their destination. Not to worry, our postmen are hardworking middle-class Americans, and they assure us they will do their best to perform faster, despite the hurdles of union-mandated coffee breaks. The point is: we shouldn’t make a snap judgment on the basis that “since apples don’t last long enough to be taken from one man and mailed to another,” we shouldn’t at least TRY to mail them anyway!

True – our European brothers have failed to get the apples mailed on time, for the last century. True again – our kindred brothers in Canada appear to be in the process of throwing up their hands and giving up on the idea, but, my fellow Americans, we MUST NOT allow that to deter US from repeating history! We are confident that with more money in the “apples for all” program, the apples we mail in America will last much longer. Until then, we encourage our postmen who complain about the smell of fermented apple goo, to pinch their noses and press-on for the greater good!

(Begin playing “Mine Eyes Have Seen the Glory” softly, in background.) Listen! This isn’t about politics anymore; it’s about doing the right thing. It’s about MORALITY and COMPASSION. (Not to confuse politics with religion, or anything, because we’re against that, you know.)

Let me say it this way: our government officials have an obligation of conscience to protect the civil/human-rights of our citizens. Naturally, we believe the only way to “protect” such rights is by REQUIRING all of our citizens to exercise that right every day. So, buy and eat your government issued apples – OR ELSE!