Apple-Eating: A Civil Right Part 1

A Satirical Expose of the Thickheaded Arguments

Employed by Advocates of Universal Healthcare

There is an implicit understanding, not only on both sides of the aisle in Washington, but in the faith community as well, that the “Granny Smith Apple-Bearing Tree, Inc.” was the first “health insurance company” created by God on earth, from whence cameth the proverb: “An Apple a day keepeth the doctor away.”

People of all walks of life and varying faiths agree: Apples (not unlike clean air, water, trees, poetry and gay marriage) are fundamental to EVERYTHING this country was founded upon, and if those very same issues hadn’t been at the forefront of the signer’s thoughts when the Constitution was ratified in 1787, why…we wouldn’t be able to use the Constitution to protect those same rights today! God bless America!

Indeed, eleven years prior, in 1776, the Declaration of Independence stated clearly: “We are all created EQUAL…with certain unalienable rights.” While there are many such rights given to men and women (not to exclude “transgendered identities”), there is a particular right I wish to discuss, shared in common by all, and according to the Bible, first granted in the Garden of Eden: The RIGHT to eat Granny Smith apples!

It seems common these days to hear selfish Republican individualists (who practice dirty capitalism and call themselves “conservatives”) commonly regurgitate that tired old slogan: “Apple eating is a privilege!” Well, we Democrats, along with the men who wrote the Declaration and Constitution, clearly disagree! We stand in solidarity with our founding fathers and bravely declare: Apple-eating is no mere privilege; it is a GOD-GIVEN RIGHT!

Because apple-eating is a civil/human RIGHT, we empathetic Democrats intend to pass a new law REQUIRING everyone to purchase Granny Smith Apples (nature’s health insurance)! But remember, with right and privilege come responsibility. Therefore, after our next bill becomes law, if you DO NOT buy an apple every day, and you get caught without one, you will be punished in a court of law.

As to spurious allegations of “donations coming in to our campaign coffers” from, allegedly, “most all the apple farmers in America,” we refuse to dignify such charges with a response! We believe Americans are sick and tired of these kinds of personal attacks, and there are more important things to do right now, like create jobs. (And we’ll get back to creating jobs just as soon as we finish mandating apples for all Americans.)

Before we delve deeper into this complicated subject, let us pause and reflect upon the virtue of critical thinking skills. In contrast with greedy capitalists who believe your “ignorance of history, and political apathy is currently being exploited,” we of the Democratic Party possess the…audacious…hope…that you actually possess them!

Do it with me now: Breath-in…(pause)…Breath-out. (Pause) Goooood! Okay, have you emptied your mind of negative energy? Excellent! Because until you EMPTY YOUR MIND, you see, you can’t fully appreciate the “emperor’s new clothes!” Ya know what I mean? (Hey, take my word for it, they are SOOOOO beautiful!) Now, focus your eyes on my pocket watch, as it swings back….and…..forth. Okay? Now, where were we? Oh yes, the issue of CRITICAL THINKING SKILLS…wait for it….wait…for…it…now, follow our logic carefully:

If something is your unalienable RIGHT (like apple-eating, healthcare, etc.), you should be FORCED by the government to participate in it, because it’s YOUR right.

Now, focus your eyes on my pocket watch again, as it swings back….and…..forth. You understand now, and believe our logic is sound, DON’T you. Goooood, I just knew you would.

To find out how this wonderful “apples for all” program will work to benefit Americans, be sure to read “Apple-Eating: A Civil Right Part 2” – next week!